distinctvaguens (distinctvaguens) wrote in antishurtugal,

Official Inheritance Spork: Chapter 14 - Mooneater

Oh boy, Chapter 14, Mooneater! I have no idea where you could come up with such a name.

Luckily, we’ve been spared from a sparring session. Eragon is walking around, rolling his shoulders, reflecting on some sparring session. We don’t get any mention of what happened.

He walked up a small hill, which “was like a lone island amid a sea of tents.” It says “before him lay the dark spread of Leona Lake gleaming in the twilight as the crests of the shallow waves reflected the orange torch light from the camp.” Someone predicted we’d get a paragraph like this.

“The road the Varden had been following lay between the tents and the shore. A broad strip of paving stones set with mortar that had been constructed, or so Jeod had informed him, long before Galbatorix had overthrown the Riders.” I love how the random minor characters just get dropped in all over the place.

“A quarter mile north a small squat fishing village sat close against the water. Eragon knew its inhabitance were far from happy that an army was camped on their doorstep.” The Varden seem to be ruining or destroying the places they go, so I can see why others get annoyed. Eragon doesn’t feel any emotion about this he just acknowledges that they annoy people.

And then because Paolini believed we don’t have any ability to remember anything, we get the quote that makes no sense… Again.  “You must learn to see what you are looking aaaaaaaaaaaaaaat” [additional a’s mine]

We get a paragraph where Eragon thinks about what this could mean. It’s kinda stupid but I can see why that could be confusing. And apparently “try though he might, he felt as if he failed miserably.”

Its okay, you do.

I don’t know if he’s trying to use magic to see everything or just look at everything really hard. It helped in a sparring session because now he’s paying more attention.  What do you know, paying attention might help you fight better?

“Always he returned to the same set of doubts, worrying at them like a dog with a marrow bone.” And that my friends, is a dumb metaphor.

“Only with nothing to show for other than a constant and increasing sense of anxiety.” Thanks for elaborating, just in case that wasn’t enough wasted space.

“Lost in rumination, He continued down the hill.”  Men salute him as he walks by, he nods back. He meandered for a while “stopping and starting in counterpoint to his thoughts” (what does that even mean?) “when the high pitched tone of a woman describing something with great enthusiasm interrupted his reverie.”

So he goes to find out what made that sound, because obviously, this particular person is in the only conversation in the entire base worth checking in on, unless the so-called plot is just dragging us along.

And under some trees nearby, guess there’s trees nearby, what Eragon finds is the strangest thing Eragon has ever seen… Urgals and werecats sitting around together. Yep strangest thing EVER!! And we get a few paragraphs about what the Urgals look like, in case we didn’t get enough of that in the last three books. And some info about the werecats. Some are being held by or sitting on the Urgals. Why? We had no idea they had a cultural connection before and it is very jarring and seems forced.

“To Eragon’s astonishment, he even spotted one werecat, a slim white female, resting curled atop the broad head of a Kull, her right forearm draped over the edge of his skull and her paw pressed possessively against the middle of his brow.” A shining example how not to write. What would take a moment to notice takes a minute to read and has no bearing on ANYTHING! It’s long with too many phrases and adds NOTHING to the scene. Especially funny because when I was typing this I had to go back and add in words several times because my brain kept summarizing. Against his forehead? No against the middle of his brow.

So, when he sees these two groups sitting around together peacefully, it instantly makes him think “who would he rather face in a fight?” Apparently battle is the only thing Eragon can relate to. And by the fire is Angela. What do you know? The “random” voice he heard was none other than our favorite quirky quack.

She’s sitting there spinning some wool. What else would a female character do? She is telling a story to the Urgals and werecats. “But he was too slow, and the raging red-eyed rabbit ripped out Horde’s throat, killing him instantly.”  If by instantly she means not instantly at all

We’re getting a scary campfire story about a deadly bunny…

*cue clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail*  (video 3:14)

This is being taken… completely seriously. “Even to this day, you will find a freshly killed dear on…Mountain NamePlace that looks like it has been nibbled at like a turnip… and all around it you will see the prints of an unusually large rabbit.”

*cue clip from The Princess Bride*  (video 3:41)

Buttercup: “Whesley, what about the ROUS’s?”

Westley: “Rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.”

(he gets jumped by one)

No not that.

“Every now and again a warrior from somewhere else will go missing only to be found dead with his throat torn out.”

*cue clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail*(video 3:55)

“Always with his throat torn out!”

They are trying to make this a serious thing! And it gets worse.

She jumps to her former position. “Terrin was horribly upset by the loss of his friend and he returned to the stronghold and for three days and nights the defenders held the wall. Their supplies were low and every warrior was covered in wounds.” So they were apparently besieged by a bunch of deadly bunnies?! And this is supposed to be like, scary? Anyways, next morning they awake to see a dragon come flying in to save the day. But not just one dragon, a huge thunder of dragons. K. This battle set up sounds eerily like Helm’s Deep.

Okay, from earlier it might not have been an army of bunnies. We don’t really know what it was. But they threw down their weapons and fled into the wilderness, unless the bunnies have weapons…. The dwarves are happy and there was much rejoicing. Even though I was under the impression dwarves and dragons didn’t get along in the past. And we get to hear about Mimring who flew to close to the sun so his scales became clear as diamonds. Does that just mean you can see his guts? That’s just weird. They called him Mimring the Brilliant on account of his scales. And one of the Urgal says. “Well you tell a good story, Uluthrek,” which is Urgal for Mooneater Apparently Angela is the chapter title’s Mooneater. Why am I somehow not surprised and yet I still think it is incredibly stupid?

Angela asked him how long he was waiting there. He responds. And she says that “since he was only waiting there a minute, he missed the best part of the story and I’m not about to repeat myself.” So we missed out on the “good bit” and only got to hear the “lame part”

Maybe that’s how this entire book is reading. Skip the awesome stuff, write the lame stuff, then intentionally point out you skipped the good stuff. Either that or you couldn’t come up with any good stuff to put in here!

“He looked at the collection of grotesque horned faces gathered around the fire. He had to suppress the urge to grab the hilt of his sword. Even after having fought, traveled, and hunted alongside of the Urgals and after having sifting through the thoughts of several of them, being in their presence still gave him pause. He could not forget the visceral terror that had gripped him during the numerous occasions when he confronted them during battle.” Ummmm… Has Eragon ever been described as ever being terrified? I remember him being sad when he loses other people sometimes. I remember him being… in crazy blood-rage and killing a bunch of people himself… but I really don’t remember the terror.

The leader of the Urgals  pulls something out of a pouch. It’s a green orb crystal thing he hands to Angela. She takes it and…………. Then we talk about another story. Great!

Eragon says I haven’t heard that story. They say you haven’t heard the story? You should hear about the story. And Eragon says I haven’t heard the story. Let’s tell you about the story. Page wasted. “No one has mentioned it to me. But then I have not been with the Varden very long.” And the Urgal interrupts swearing or something. The lackhorned betrayer does not have the courage to admit his own defeat. He is a coward and a liar. And we have no idea who he’s referring to.

Even Eragon doesn’t. “Who Galbatorix? A number of werecats hissed at the mention of the king. Wait why?  Cuz hez the evul? Were the werecats in any way affected by him being in charge? Not that I know of. So Paolini just wanted them to hiss at his name cuz dat wud be soo cool!

“Aye when he came to (somewhere) he came to destroy our race forever. He sent a vast army to the spine they did bad stuff. The Urgals fought back. At first with joy but then with despair. But we still fought.” Wait so the Urgals are originally from the Spine? Was this even mentioned before? And this description doesn’t really match the Spine as previously stated. And then why did Eragon never run into an Urgal EVER before in the Spine if he was running around in it as a kid? The retcon! it burns!

Anyways what happened in the story they were talking about: “A leader of the Urgals rallied a bunch of tribes and he lured Galbatorix’s army to a narrow passageway deep within the mountain. And our rams fell upon them from either side.”  I’m imagining sheep getting tossed down at the soldiers. I don’t think that’s what he meant but that’s what I imagined. “The ground was wet with blood and the piles of bodies stood higher than my head. Even to this day if you go to that place you will feel the bones cracking under your feet. And coins and swords and pieces of armor under every patch of moss.” No one ever went there so we’ll have to take your word for it.

“So it was you who did it. All my life I heard Galbatorix heard he lost half his men in the Spine but no one could tell me how or why.” So… Everyone knew it happened that half the men went missing… but they never knew why?! Not even a rumor? Sounds more like you’re trying to back your way out of making no sense.

The Urgals leave and Eragon pets a werecat. “Eragon tentatively began to rub the creature’s neck. A moment later a loud throbbing purr filled the night air.” What would that even sound like? A jackhammer?

“She likes you Angela observed. For some reason Eragon felt inordinately pleased. And the werecat’s name is Shadowhunter” and she can’t answer for herself I guess Angela says this. “And Shadowhunter is mated to Grimm Halfpaw. Some might say she’s queen of the werecats.” The purring increased in volume. Are any of these details relevant? I don’t think so. The names remind me of those Warrior Cat books.

Eragon asks about Solembum and Angela says he’s busy chasing a long-whiskered female half his age. Glad to know. Angela says he’s “full to bursting with questions.” Eragon replies by saying “Whenever I meet you I always end up feeling more confused than before.” Yeah that’s kinda how this book works.

“Always! That’s rather absolutist of you. Very well I will attempt to be informative ask away.” Expositionnnnn Tiiiiiimmmmme! “A thunder of dragons? That is the proper term for a flock of dragons. If you had ever heard one in full flight you would understand 10 or more dragons flew passed overhead the very air would reverberate and it would sound as if you were sitting inside a giant drum besides what else could you call a group of dragons? You have your murder of ravens, your convocation of eagles, your gaggle of geese, your raft of ducks, your band of jays, your parliament of owls, and so on, nut what about dragons? A hunger of dragons? That doesn’t sound quite right. Nor does referring to them as blaze or terror. Although I’m rather found of terror, and all things considered a terror of dragons… but no a flock of dragons is called a thunder of dragons. Blahblahblah” So first we get Paolini showing off he knows a bunch of trivial names of birds and then we get rambling. Useless rambling.

Eragon asks why they call her Uluthrek. It is a title the Urgals gave her when she traveled among them. Look she has more backstory to be explained. “What does it mean, Mooneater? Mooneater, what a strange name? How did you come by it?” “I ate the moon of course. How else?” >_> Guess Paolini himself couldn’t even come up with an excuse.

Then we get something about petting the werecat for a minute he asked why the Urgals gave her the stone. “What is it?” “A piece of rock. Didn’t you notice?” So we’re stating the obvious way to go. Angela has always annoyed me.

He asks why she said cheep cheep.” The herbalist brayed with laughter. Some of the werecats opened their mouth in what appeared to be toothy smiles. However, Shadowhunter seemed displeased. She dug her claws into Eragon’s legs making him wince. Well since you must have the answer it’s a good story as any.” [Story omitted because it was in fact as good as any in this book, rubbish.] She cursed the werecat to only be able to say cheep cheep. Just for eating a bird. Which is completely unreasonable of Angela, yet she thinks it’s funny. Whaaa…

So it’s like an inside joke… yeah. “No wonder he hates you.” “What of it?” Wait, I didn’t get the impression they hated each other… “If you don’t make a few enemies now and again you are a coward, or worse. Besides it was worth it to see his reaction. Oh he was angry.” So apparently the goal in life is to get a lot of people annoyed at you. You’re succeeding Paolini.

The girl werecat utters a growl and tightened her claws again. And Eragon’s apparently just sitting there and taking it. Why?  “Maybe he should change the subject. But before he could suggest a new topic a loud scream rang out from somewhere in the center of the camp. It echoed three times.”

AAAAAAaaaaahhh! Aaaaaahhhh! aaaahhh….

Eragon looked at Angela and then she at him. And they both began to laugh… Huuuh?

Oh they are referencing something they said earlier that if the Urgals went to talk to the storytellers or bards or whatever that he would scream in terror. Sooo… It took me awhile to catch that joke, which isn’t that funny, because what if it is someone else screaming? and they’re just laughing at someone’s misery.

This chapter was ridiculously pointless, moving on.

Extra Notes:

I haven’t quite finished the book yet so I may be wrong but I can’t imagine ANY of that was worth including. Especially considering the werecats and Urgals don’t do anything useful. Maybe this chapter meant to flesh them out or something, but instead it’s just making them a bigger waste of space. It is nothing but references to irrelevant events in his world which have no bearing on the present. Handled better one story could’ve worked to pass the time, but there are at least three here and more mentioned in passing. I don’t care about Angela and I have hated her since her introduction. She is this happy-go-lucky character with infinite and random powers, abilities and “mysterious backstory” She reminds me of a little obnoxious 5 year old lost in imagination hell-bent on telling you all about it. She rambles about something and all you can do is patronizingly say “That’s nice” so many times before and lighting her on fire then throwing her out of a 10 story window shouting “SHUT UP!” until she hits the ground…. I’m kidding, I would only do that to this book.

And in the future I think I'll just start from scratch instead of transcribing my videos. (Which I did because someone mentioned the video didn't work for them. It took at least 3 hours.) I end up wanting to add/change bits or going more in depth on some issues. My videos are live and unscripted so I don't catch everything.

And for anyone who does watch my videos. I'm taking a break because I'm not feeling well. Plus the internet I have now is way too slow to upload the videos properly.

Tags: anti-shur'tugal, inheritance, inheritance sporks, lack of logic, paolini
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