sanrock (sanrock) wrote in antishurtugal,

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A Vampire Christmas Carol Review


That's the best way to describe this book. What the hell was the point of writing this? This book is something you see on, not published by a book publisher. What makes this book bad besides the fact it's A Christmas Carol with vampires? Well:

1. It's in that new genre where people retell classic novels and add zombies, vampires or other monsters to the mix. It's lazy writing at its worst. What's worse is that the author COPY AND PASTS passages from the original novel. When you retell a novel, you retell it IN YOUR OWN WORDS!

2. The author adds some new characters. Horribly written new characters. First there's Wahltraud and Griselda: the king and queen of the vampires. These characters are so generic evil that it's not funny. I don't care that they're vampires, YOU CAN STILL WRITE VAMPIRES AS STRONG ANTAGONISTS!

3. Vampire minions are called, get-get ready for the greatest name for vampire minions in the history of the world-MINIONS! Yes, they're just called minions. How fucking creative.

4. Remember how Scrooge is a miser because of greed and everything bad that's happened to him in life? Well, here he's a miser because the king and queen vampire are making him evil. Did I also mention that Griselda was Scrooge's wet nurse, Fran and Scrooge are now twins BORN ON CHRISTMAS EVE, Fran died because of the vampires, Scrooge was given blood to drink from birth (shouldn't that make him a VAMPIRE?) and they choose him because there's this prophesy that says scrooge will give birth to the "Scion of the Great Culling" which will destroy all the vampires and I've just gone cross eyed.

5. The author treats her readers like they're five. Seriously, she needs to tell us every single detail DESPITE the fact that we've figured out what the author wants to reveal pages before. For examp
le, Disgut, a new character who we're told has been Scrooge's Clerk one week after Marley dies. Gee, I wonder if he's a villain? Guess what? Two pages later we're TOLD that he's a minion. He's also generic-evil. Oh, and Scrooge kills him at the end. He's essentially a pointless character.

6. Since when are lamplighters a race of people? Well, according to the book they are.

7. Bob Cratchett's wife was killed by vampires and now her sister takes care of Bob's kids. She's your typical "I hate my sister's kids" sister. I'm sorry, Bob's wife's death was unneeded.

8. Bob and Scrooge's nephew Fred are vampire slayers. Take a guess what their organization is called? It's called the Vampire Slayers Union. Dear god this author is bad at coming up with original names. 

9. Bell is in this book. She has a "gift" that allows her to see the dead (Read: vampires and ghosts).  She also lives in London, has asked Scrooge to have Christmas breakfast with her for years, knows that vampires are the reason Scrooge is a miser, takes care of vampire slayers and is the reason the spirits visit Scrooge in the first place. Yup, Bell ASKS JACOB MARLEY TO HELP SCROOGE AND MARLEY SAYS THAT THIS CAN BE SO BECAUSE OF TRUE LOVE! Gag me out with a spoon.

Finally,  Scrooge is saved, he joins the VSU, the whole spiel. Oh, and the biggest headdesk moment is that he REUNITES WITH BELL MARRIES HER AND GIVES BIRTH TO THE SCION OF THE GREAT CULLING! 

Oh, and one part there's a typo where the author calls Bell "Bella".

Worst part? I have seen two five star reviews and two four star reviews of this book. Dear god how the hell can anyone LIKE this book? It's bad fanfiction. I don't have anything against writing sequels or prequels to A Christmas Carol. In fact, there are some that are really good. THIS on the other hand is shit. Dickens is not just rolling in his grave, he's doing cartwheels and  somersaults in it. If you want to read A Christmas Carol, read the original written by Dickens. 

I've had it with this book.If anyone has better stamina  than I do please do a spork of this book. I can't do it because 1. I've had it with this book. 2. I suck at sporking and 3. I've got a ton of projects to do for PLEASE spork this book. It deserves it.

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